“Look, a 5 on analytical writing turns out 73% percent below,” I complain to my brother, reading numbers off an old GRE score report. “I hate standardized writing. They always score me horribly. But I guess if the score doesn’t go above 6 people can’t get too high a percent. Standardized writing tests are such a joke.”
“No kidding,” Tom agrees. “On my SAT writing section I only did so-so, and I knew a lot of really smart people who scored horribly. I hate to say it, but the kids who score the best are the ones who learn enough to write by formula, but not go past that.”
“I know, seriously. We didn’t have a writing section for the SAT, but for the SATII I scored, like, 5 out of 10. Awful. I aced the verbal, anyway. 98% below.” I cast a critical eye back over my scores. “Bleh, math’s just not my thing. 74% below... At least I’m average.”
“Um, actually…”
“Is that below average? I mean, I guess technically if it’s 75…”
Tom gives me an exasperated look. “Come on, Nix. Think about it.”
I ponder.
“Percent below, Nix.”
“Well, yeah, 74% of people scored below me… oh, wait! 50% would be average.”
“I was going to be really concerned if you didn’t get that.”
“So I guess I did okay,” I say, smiling.
“I’d say you did better than that. 74% is actually pretty good.”
“Is it ironic that I screwed up my own quantitative score?”
“I think it’s ironic that you didn’t know how good you were at math because you did the numbers wrong.”
“I told you math wasn’t my thing.”
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
The funny thing about weddings
Lily has been obssessively looking at wedding dresses online (don't tell Cody) ever since she saw 'her' dress in the movie Ella Enchanted. My role in this business is to sporadically peer over her shoulder and provide color commentary (read: sarcasm). Happily, I have discovered that the wedding gown industry provides a fount of unintentionally amusing pictures. A few of my favorites follow.
Allow me to preface the following by saying that it is not my intent to slander any of these lovely dresses-slash-models-slash-sets. It's the combinations of the three that keeps me giggling.
Allow me to preface the following by saying that it is not my intent to slander any of these lovely dresses-slash-models-slash-sets. It's the combinations of the three that keeps me giggling.
Oh, drat. Walked through poo.
Hmmm… Let’s see. I’m sure there was something I was supposed to be doing.
Marie Ann was having that dream again. She was on stage, she’d forgotten her lines, and she was wearing a paper drinking cone.
To heck with getting married. Random stranger, take me now.
Here’s your kid. Let’s get married.
Special edition ‘Bring It’ Bride BarbieTM
Eden Bridals
Rolling out the red carpet.
Next time steal stand with mannequin.
Bride in forcefield.
Joann had always wanted to get married in an elevator.
A dress deserving of a padded room.
Proud owner of the world’s only curtain sheers/bed shammy wedding gown.
Caterpillar bride.
Pancake bride.
Bride/Skateboard ramp.
You’re right. The bow does make our butt look big.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Priorities
“Where are your keys?” Tom asks me, flipping through my baskets of junk-to-take-home by the back door.
Without looking up I indicate a heap of my clothes. “Clipped to my pants.”
Tom’s already spotted them, and he snags them from the belt loop. Heading toward the garage he throws back the inevitable snarky comment: “I could take your pants, but I’ll be nice and just take the keys.”
“Where are your keys?” I ask. Since we just spent the greater part of the evening searching the house for them it’s a fair question, if a loaded one.
“Upstairs—in my pants. I just wanted to get my book out of the car.”
I shrug, turning back to my own reading. “Well, as long as we both know where our keys are.”
Tom grins. “No, no. The important thing is that we both know where our pants are.”
Without looking up I indicate a heap of my clothes. “Clipped to my pants.”
Tom’s already spotted them, and he snags them from the belt loop. Heading toward the garage he throws back the inevitable snarky comment: “I could take your pants, but I’ll be nice and just take the keys.”
“Where are your keys?” I ask. Since we just spent the greater part of the evening searching the house for them it’s a fair question, if a loaded one.
“Upstairs—in my pants. I just wanted to get my book out of the car.”
I shrug, turning back to my own reading. “Well, as long as we both know where our keys are.”
Tom grins. “No, no. The important thing is that we both know where our pants are.”
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Aesthetic Appeal
So the last time I was home on break I discovered that Dad-wife version 3.0 decoratively folds her Kleenex. I’m talking she takes the first tissue out of the box, thus rendering the patented Kleenex pop-up mechanism defunct, folds the tissue into a tiny fan, and tucks it artistically back into the box. Tom’s comment on the situation: “Yeah, it’s weird because I’m not sure if I’m allowed to use that tissue or not.” People, if your decorating techniques are creating ethical dilemmas over the issue of how to blow your nose this is not normal.In other news my mother really enjoyed our repeated efforts to correct her tired old tissue presentation style. Much Kleenex origami ensued.
Images from http://officeproducts.fedexkinkos.com/ and http://www.whiteaisle.com/. And me. Both of the sites have said products available for sale. Buy and combine and your home too can be classy!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Top Ten Superman Moments
If you’ve never heard of Wayback, you're missing out on one of the greatest innovations of the internet, ranking right up there on my personal favorites list with Google, Wikipedia, Amazon and YouTube. Oh, and Pandora, but that’s also relatively unknown, and thus a topic for another day. But I’m not here to talk about Wayback, that internet archive founded as a nonprofit organization in 1996 and located in the Presidio of San Francisco. Go there to access broken links and deleted pages.
*Ahem.* No, what I want to talk about is some video from their free online movie archives.
Yes, Superman as it existed in 1941 pre-movie shorts. I had originally planned to do a summary of this particular episode, but I think instead I’ll just dwell on some of the memorable, must-see moments. Here’s a top ten for you, in chronological order.
# 1:
Krypton Goes Boom
You know, completely leaving aside the planet-exploding earthquakes that managed to take this ‘race of supermen’ so entirely off guard, the last time I checked Superman could fly in space. Fly away, people! Fly away!#2:
The Evil Plot:
‘Electrothanasia’ would be a cool name for a band.
#3:
Lois Flies the Plane:
Lois will go to any lengths to get a scoop, even if it means stealing planes and flying without a pilot's license. Now there's a liberated woman.
#4:
The Mad Scientist Bebop:
A still image really can’t do his unique stair-descending method justice. I think I watched him go down those stairs about fifteen times. Skitter, skitter, skitter.
#5:
Damsel in Distress in Three Steps or Less:
1. Fly to isolated island
2. Introduce self to mad scientist
3. Get kidnapped.
Honestly, Lois, you can pilot a small fighter plane but you can’t come up with a better plan for confronting the mad scientist than to knock on the door?
#6:
This Looks Like A Job For Superman:
I guess Superman missed the line in the memo where it said 'I strike at midnight.' He was thinking noon. Oops.
#7:
No Telephone Booths For Superman:
(or Superman’s Striptease)
Another scene that still images can’t do justice to. Gotta love his little peek to see if the coast is clear. X-ray vision aside, the door has a window.
Watching the man of steel tiptoe across a room is entertaining too.
#8:
Elasti-building:
You know, structurally, if your building is flopping from side to side you should probably just take it down.
#9:
Superman VS Electrothanasia Ray:
Superman can punch lasers. Because he is just that super.
#10:
And Stay in There!:
*Ahem.* No, what I want to talk about is some video from their free online movie archives.
Yes, Superman as it existed in 1941 pre-movie shorts. I had originally planned to do a summary of this particular episode, but I think instead I’ll just dwell on some of the memorable, must-see moments. Here’s a top ten for you, in chronological order.
Krypton Goes Boom
“There came a day when giant quakes threatened to destroy Krypton forever. One of the planets leading scientists, sensing the approach of doom, placed his infant son in a small rocket ship and sent it hurtling in the direction of earth just as Krypton exploded!”
You know, completely leaving aside the planet-exploding earthquakes that managed to take this ‘race of supermen’ so entirely off guard, the last time I checked Superman could fly in space. Fly away, people! Fly away!
The Evil Plot:
I just love how the mad scientist feels it necessary to recap the first three sentences. Key concepts: Beware. Midnight. Bwahaha.“Beware—you fools! My electrothanasia-Ray strikes tonight at 12. Total destruction will come to those who laughed at me and failed to heed my warnings. Beware—I strike at midnight!”
‘Electrothanasia’ would be a cool name for a band.
Lois Flies the Plane:
Lois will go to any lengths to get a scoop, even if it means stealing planes and flying without a pilot's license. Now there's a liberated woman.
The Mad Scientist Bebop:
A still image really can’t do his unique stair-descending method justice. I think I watched him go down those stairs about fifteen times. Skitter, skitter, skitter.
Damsel in Distress in Three Steps or Less:
“I’m a reporter for the—“ **KIDNAPPED**
1. Fly to isolated island
2. Introduce self to mad scientist
3. Get kidnapped.
Honestly, Lois, you can pilot a small fighter plane but you can’t come up with a better plan for confronting the mad scientist than to knock on the door?
This Looks Like A Job For Superman:
“On the stroke of midnight the deadly impact of his mysterious ray smashed the famous tower bridge, hurling cars and pedestrians into the river below.”
I guess Superman missed the line in the memo where it said 'I strike at midnight.' He was thinking noon. Oops.
No Telephone Booths For Superman:
(or Superman’s Striptease)
Another scene that still images can’t do justice to. Gotta love his little peek to see if the coast is clear. X-ray vision aside, the door has a window.
Watching the man of steel tiptoe across a room is entertaining too.
Elasti-building:
You know, structurally, if your building is flopping from side to side you should probably just take it down.
Superman VS Electrothanasia Ray:
And Stay in There!:
The question was posed on Superdickery: does Superman actually have any authority to arrest people? I can’t say for sure, but clearly he is allowed to incarcerate people by literally throwing them into a jail cell. Unless he keeps his own private prison in the basement.
"That's for all those people I forgot to save!"
Monday, February 4, 2008
Your Attention, Please
Rather than pay attention to the professor my brain is following random tangents. For instance there are a lot of ways to respond to a question asked by the professor, and they all indicate something different. For example:
Entire arm extended and impression of rigor mortis (flagpole position): I would like to answer the question.
Mad waving accompanied by excited vocalizations: I am a second grader who has infiltrated this university level course because I would really like to answer the question.
Hand shot into the air with a force sufficient to launch arm into orbit: I know the answer and I would like everyone to be aware of that
Hand up, elbow propped on desk (half-mast position): I am waiting to be called on, and it is a long wait.
Arm draped across top of head, hand stubbornly raised: You can pretend you don’t see me as long as you want but I will outwait you.
Arm flat on desk, hand or fingers raised: I know the answer but I have no vested interest in providing it.
Arm close to body, hand by face: I timidly proffer an answer or I am telling secrets.
Arm up, one finger raised: I would like to insert a comment or I inform you that you are ‘number one.’
Elbow propped on desk, hand loose and in front of face (stealth postion): I am attempting not to attract attention by blending with the herd. If I remain motionless you can’t see me.
Hands folded under chin: I am attempting to look thoughtful because I do not know the answer and I am praying that you will pick someone else.
Hand up at diagonal angle, wrist rotated: Sorry, I was just stretching.
Hand open, fingers flexed: I am confident.
Hand open, fingers curled: I am unconfident.
Hand closed, fingers curled: I am preparing to punch you.
Eye contact, no hand: I am prepared to answer the question.
Eyes on notes and/or desktop: I am pretending to study because I am not prepared to answer the question.
Eyes closed: I am not prepared to answer the question because I am asleep.
Abrupt departure from room: I would not like to answer the question.
Entire arm extended and impression of rigor mortis (flagpole position): I would like to answer the question.
Mad waving accompanied by excited vocalizations: I am a second grader who has infiltrated this university level course because I would really like to answer the question.
Hand shot into the air with a force sufficient to launch arm into orbit: I know the answer and I would like everyone to be aware of that
Hand up, elbow propped on desk (half-mast position): I am waiting to be called on, and it is a long wait.
Arm draped across top of head, hand stubbornly raised: You can pretend you don’t see me as long as you want but I will outwait you.
Arm flat on desk, hand or fingers raised: I know the answer but I have no vested interest in providing it.
Arm close to body, hand by face: I timidly proffer an answer or I am telling secrets.
Arm up, one finger raised: I would like to insert a comment or I inform you that you are ‘number one.’
Elbow propped on desk, hand loose and in front of face (stealth postion): I am attempting not to attract attention by blending with the herd. If I remain motionless you can’t see me.
Hands folded under chin: I am attempting to look thoughtful because I do not know the answer and I am praying that you will pick someone else.
Hand up at diagonal angle, wrist rotated: Sorry, I was just stretching.
Hand open, fingers flexed: I am confident.
Hand open, fingers curled: I am unconfident.
Hand closed, fingers curled: I am preparing to punch you.
Eye contact, no hand: I am prepared to answer the question.
Eyes on notes and/or desktop: I am pretending to study because I am not prepared to answer the question.
Eyes closed: I am not prepared to answer the question because I am asleep.
Abrupt departure from room: I would not like to answer the question.
Adware, Round 2
I can't seem to shake this dratted adware virus. Drastic measures must be taken. However, seeing as I have a spanish ensayo due in about an hour now is probably not the time. ...Fear the six-legged spiders!
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